Greg Honey by Russ Gregory

Author:Russ Gregory [Gregory, Russ]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781602829800
Publisher: Bold Strokes Books
Published: 2013-07-31T00:00:00+00:00

*

I spent most of the afternoon being fondled by Mother’s tailor, Roscoe Conti.

Roscoe’s method of fitting a tux involved checking and rechecking the inseam measurement to the point where my inner thigh chafed from all the friction. I’m pretty sure his inability to get it right had more to do with personal enjoyment than sartorial accuracy. When he finally left, I wondered if I should press charges with the police.

The phone rang. It was Willa.

“Howdy. Whatcha doin’? I just ran into Wilber Wiley. You remember him, right? We dated a while back, had a bad hairpiece and questionable dental work but sexy as hell in a bald-headed toothless sort of way. I ran into him. He’s finally lost the toupee, which is a good thing because it smelled like two-week-old fish and looked so much like road-kill vultures would circle whenever he walked outside.”

“Didn’t he leave you to join a monastery?”

“So he said, evidently his religious calling didn’t stick because he was shopping for condoms and soft porn at the pharmacy. Or maybe they’re planning a party at the priory. Isn’t that just like a Catholic?”

“Kinda busy here, Willa, what do you need?”

“I called Jenna and you’re all set at Austin Monthly. She even offered to run your ad for free if you’re willing to be interviewed for an article they’re planning about shunned children of the obscenely rich. But here’s the deal, you need to get in touch today because that article is scheduled to run this week.”

The story sounded ridiculous, but I figured I could use the discount and jotted down Jenna’s contact information.

“Guess what I just did?” I asked.

“Does it involve small farm animals?”

“Not this time. I got fitted for a new tux.”

“I assume your mother sprang for the cost on account of the big party.”

“Yep.”

“Livia’s pulling out all the stops.”

“She even called earlier to tell me not to bring Matt.”

Willa paused before saying, “So you’re bringing Matt—right.”

“I’m not going.”

“Of course you’re going. We’re all going. I wouldn’t miss this party for a heart attack.”

I sighed in frustration. “No, Willa, I’m not attending, and neither are you.”

“Why the hell not?”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Sure I am. Look Greg, it’ll be a hoot. Cicely even extended the invitation personally, remember? Don’t you want to see the freak show? Bring Matt and piss off Livia…you always enjoy that.”

“Willa, I don’t want to go.”

“But you’re getting a new tux.”

“Right.”

“So you should go, for that if nothing else. Livia will spit nails if you don’t show up.”

“Look, I’m not going and I don’t have time to debate my reasons right now. I’m busy.”

I said good-bye.

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